About twenty years ago, right after my father died, I abandoned
my belief in God. About five years ago, with some trepidation, I began to
explore through Torah study the possible renewal of my relationship with
spirituality and Judaism. I felt like something was preventing me from being
able to connect with God in any real meaningful way. I felt completely numb.
As such, Rabbi Geller had suggested that I attend the Institute of Jewish
Spirituality's annual 3-day retreat at the Brandeis Bardin Institute in Simi
Valley, California.
For me, it was the realization of the presence of a
Higher Power.... something that has changed my life, most likely
forever.
On a whim, I agreed to attend. Thinking to myself
as difficult as it might be, I would try and withhold any preconceived judgments
until the conclusion of the retreat. The activities at the retreat consisted of
a mixture of prayer, silent mediation, torah study, yoga and what I would refer
to as 'spiritual exercises."
One of the spiritual exercises was based on the
famous Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav who as the story is told, often went into the
woods alone to address God out loud. Well, when the Rabbi in charge of this
exercise instructed us to go outside on this cold and dismal day, find a quiet
place and just start talking to God out loud continuously for at least five
minutes about anything, I had to stop myself from the knee jerk response,
"you've got to be kidding me!" So I kept an open mind, grabbed a great big warm
blanket, went outside and found a quiet spot on a grassy knoll and laid down
staring up at the ominous gray cloudy sky.
I began talking out loud to God about how cruel I
felt it had been that my father was taken from me unexpectedly at the young age
of 61 years. As I started to speak, the words just seemed to flow effortlessly
out of my mouth. I only had to think briefly what I was going to say to God.
After that, I seemed to be on "automatic pilot." It felt as if years of pent up
anger and frustration were just beginning to leave me. PERHAPS THAT WAS MY
PHAROAH BEGINNING TO RELEASE ME. I noticed my tears starting to flow, first
very slowly and tentatively, and then uncontrollably. I began feeling a little
scared, out of control and very awkward, not understanding what was happening to
me. At one point, I realized through the fear that I had the option of
consciously stopping my tears. However, something bigger inside me told me to
just 'roll with it' and not hold back. I found my speaking voice getting louder
and more assertive. My tears filled my face and blurred my eyes as they ran
into my mouth, tasting salty like the sea, while lying back and staring up at
the dark sky.
After a few minutes (what seemed like hours), I
observed the strangest phenomenon occurring. The thick gray dark clouds that
until then had lined the sky had begun to part before my eyes! The sun had at
that very moment decided to break through the clouds, and shined vibrantly.
Because of the intensity of my 'conversation' together with a constant flow of
tears, I felt mentally and physically drained. It was a very surreal yet
beautiful feeling which I will never forget.
